Am I like Nikki?

when i first moved into my current apartment, i would leave my phone inside so i could take a walk with just me and God whenever i needed to walk my dog. it helped me clear my head & gave me no choice but to pray & analyze with Him my problems of the day. soon, i would start taking my phone with me – this may have been an idea of "safety," but where am i safer than under the protection of God through faith?

tonight before i was walking my dog, i stepped out from my bed and tears welled up in my eyes. the sting appeared in my eyes & my lip began to quiver. i was waiting for a text that hadn't come when i wanted, and that was clearly cause for sorrows.

this week had been one of the worst: one of my dear coworkers announced to us privately her resignation, my team moved office buildings away from the rest of our tightly-knit team whom i love so dearly, and i've been faced with the overwhelming fact that most of my friends–which doesn't take my entire hand to count–lives on the other side of the country. that leaves just me and God most of the time. this should be enough for me, but i act like it's not. i look to find my worth in others when i must find my worth in God first.

my dog and i drifted down the stairs outside of my door. i tried to call my best friend, but it rang all the way through with no answer. i realized it was only 7:38pm here, which means it's almost 10pm in tennessee. i was flooded with the realization that i can't continue to depend on her in the way that i do–she's about the get married and i need to find community. on the verge of tears, i walk with my dog as i listen to the reels my best friend had sent me countlessly throughout the day. then i got the text i was waiting for. i felt inside of my something shift.

my mood elevated and i was happy again. the person on the other end of the line clearly didn't hate me since a response was deemed necessary, so i must have worth and meaning, right? this person, whom i have elevated to an idol unknowingly, has given me the response i was looking for, which means i am worthy of life, right? this person has acknowledged my existence and went out of their way to converse with me, which means i have the permission to be happy again, right?

immediately, i remembered the movie i watched with them a few weeks ago: Obsession. i felt in that moment the way nikki felt. while we can recognize the fact that bear turned her into that version of herself, i still could see how a person would feel the things she felt and think the way she thought.

i realized in that moment that i am like nikki. i am truly obsessed with a person who is not obsessed with me in the same way. and even if they were, it's not how it should be. i should be obsessed with Christ and love Him above all else–especially above a sinner on this earth like i am doing now. i realized that God may have removed this person from my life because He knew how often i search for my worth in others and determine my worth based on their actions, rather than on the action Christ took on the cross when He paid for my sins.

i open my phone searching for a text, when i should be opening my Bible in search of the truth.

i walk past the person in hopes that i smell their cologne, when i should be reaching out my hands to touch the hem of His garment.

i grieve over the actions that have left us separated, when i should be grieving & repenting of the sins that put Christ on the first place.

God gives, and He also takes. God is taking this from my grasp because He knows my tendency to try and strangle it.

maybe nikki isn't so fictional.

xx, caro