The Idol of Productivity

Last night, while walking my dog, I was continuously praying to God about what I would call my new Saturday Series, which I was looking forward to debuting today on TikTok. I got accepted into the Creator Rewards Program about 2 weeks ago when I hit 10,000 followers, and content creation has been at the forefront of my mind ever since.

I was praying and praying on my walk last night to God, asking Him how I would set it up, what I would call it, the order in which I would follow to make it a series, and so on and so forth. For the life of me, I couldn't come up with any concrete ideas as to how this would work. No good title, no good cadence, no good hook, nothing. The most I could think of focusing on was "mind, body, and soul." That's all I could think of. I wanted to have something to do for each of those things. For my mind, I wanted to read a chapter of George Orwell's 1984. For my body, I wanted to stretch and do a workout (which probably wouldn't have come to fruition, so I settled on prioritizing eating 3 meals throughout the day). For my soul, I would read a chapter from the Bible — I'm currently in Ecclesiastes (my favorite book of the Bible), so I knew this should be easy. However, I know myself, and I know that filming a video showing everything I do in a day is not doable, nor is it sustainable to make a promise to myself that I would do it every Saturday. So, I couldn't commit.

I found myself extremely frustrated, because I truly want to be a person who can commit to things. I struggle with overcommitting myself to work or projects, leaving myself burnt out or those around me disappointed when I fall through. I make to-do lists and fill out the reminders app on my phone, and then fail to look at the lists or open the apps. I tell myself on Tuesday how excited I am to get to Saturday so I can do x, y, and z, but Saturday comes, and I forgot that conversation I had with myself, and possibly God. All of this adds up to a hatred of myself. It adds up to a big, fat nothing-burger, because if I don't start my day at 5 AM as I had planned, then my day doesn't start at all. And if I fail at the 1st thing, then I have already failed at them all, so I cross the entire day off and waste those 24 hours into oblivion.

This cycle is constant. I never live up to anything. I am never good enough. I am worthless. I get so excited to do the things I know bring me joy, but then I am so overwhelmed with the question of "where do I start?" that I don't start anywhere, which leaves me in a state of sadness, sorrow, and anxiety.

But those things are not what God says I am, and that is not a mindset the Lord wants me to live in. He has called me and created me for a purpose, and that purpose does not include stuffing my schedule full of unattainable goals. No—that purpose is glorifying Him in all that I do.

I know for myself that I am a person who struggles with getting overwhelmed easily, so why do I overwhelm myself? I know I struggle with comparing myself to others, so why do I scroll through the pages of girls who have things that cause envy in my heart? I know I struggle to rest as He has instructed, so why do I avoid allowing myself time to rest? Why do I put myself into positions that cause me to sin or cause anguish inside of me? I don't believe that's what God has called me to.

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This morning, I felt overwhelmed with starting. I didn't know which task should be prioritized, so I didn't want to pick any of them. Soon, I found a video on YouTube from The Isabella Cameron Show titled "The Aesthetic Christianity Epidemic." She detailed the trend of women on TikTok and Instagram showing their morning routine as a Proverbs 31 woman. I think I expected her to shame these women, but it wasn't about those videos—it was about the idea society has placed on Christian women and what it actually means to be a Proverbs 31 woman. She talked about her own struggle with idolizing productivity, and how she herself had to pencil in time to rest, rather than just naturally coming into a state of rest when the times were needed.

"Discipline and routine without the heart behind it is just productivity." - Isabella Cameron

She explained how discipline is good and that Christians should be disciplined, but she said that "Discipline and routine without the heart behind it is just productivity." Which stung.

I am constantly striving for productivity. I am constantly seeing others (seemingly) run at a pace I can only dream of. I see where others are in life, and I develop a sorrow inside that I can't seem to run away from. I always think that if I can just make one more to-do list, get up just a little earlier, and crunch in my calendar a little more precisely, I will make it. But I never do. In fact, I crash and burn more than I seem to "make it."

Comparison isn't something I would tell people I struggle with because I don't ever think about comparing myself to others. I don't see myself as someone who looks to others to calculate my growth or position in life, but I do compare myself (where I am currently) to the version of myself that I wish I were and to the position in life I wish I were at. That is who I am tempted to compare my life to. Comparison is the thief of joy, and that style of comparison steals every last bit of joy that I have.

Striving for productivity means nothing if I don't invite God in on those plans, or if I don't listen to what He instructs me to do in the first place. Being productive means nothing if I don't couple it with rest. And productivity & success will never look the same for two different people. We're all on different paths, leading to different places, and ending up in the presence of different people. Above all else, I must remember what God has called me to do, who He has called me to be, and who He says I am.

Romans 8:38-39 reads, "And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."

He loves us, which means He loves me. He does not see me as worthless, for He sees me as His beautiful creation. He defines my success, and He defines my productivity, even if I don't know how to read that definition yet.