my heels on monday made me cry

today, i wore heels to work. not the tall boots i like to wear, but the clickity-clacking stiletto heel shoes that i have hurt my feet tremendously when i walk. i wear these shoes not for comfort, but for the aesthetic of the shoes themselves. i wear them for the visuals and the vibes they omit, and the way they complement the outfit i'm creating.

i styled them with medium-wash bootcut denim jeans, a t-shirt, and a neck scarf around my waist. i liked it. it was simple and interesting. i love experimenting with different outfit combinations, and this was surely that. i got to the office around lunch time after working from a chick-fil-a until then, and as i sat down, i was realizing — as i often do — that this life that i'm living is exactly what i always wanted.

of course, this job is so perfect and ideal, but the office life is a life i have always wanted to live. i have always wanted to sit behind a desk, work a 9-to-5 job, wear my cute little outfits, and clock out and go home to a normal, fun life. i could relate it back to the movies that i watched and the shows that i always played — which would be relevant & true — but i also remember my mother working in an office like that. she didn't share an office room with anyone when she was a loan officer at a regions bank branch in cartersville, georgia, but i'm close enough.

my mom used to wear heels every single day — so much so that damien, a kid in my grade in elementary school, would always notice & comment to me that he always knew my mom by her heels & her shoes. despite the disagreements with my mom, i would aspire to be similar to that aspect of her life.

i looked down at my shoes today and realized that i'm 22 years old. i'm living in phoenix, arizona, i have a job that i love that pays me enough, i have an apartment, and i have the life of my 20's that i couldn't have imagined but seemed to have always wanted so badly. i felt connected to my mom in that way. i've hated my mom for so long, for things done beyond & within her control. i've resented her for past & present mistakes for almost my entire life. but i look at these heels and i think of her. i think of the life she lived. i think of who she was or could have been at 22 years old. she was married with 2 sons. i'm dating a lovely man i only recently met and i have no kids. our lives couldn't be more different, but i still wear these shoes to my office because i feel like these are the shoes i should be wearing. no one told me of this being my uniform, but i know it must be true.

i pranced around my office today with heels that were missing the bottom caps, but i simply pretended no one would notice. on my way home, i called my boyfriend. he was on his way to sedona to see him parents. i love to hear his voice, no matter what the contents of the conversation. i love him also, but i can't find the words to say it quite yet.

as i neared getting ready to go to bed, i thought of him being in sedona. i thought of the embrace he would surely give his parents as he saw them again after a few days and how he's tell them that he loved them and missed them so. i have found a man who loves his parents and whose parents love him back. this is foreign to me, so it makes me emotional to know he was blessed with something to valuable. and i love that he doesn't take it for granted.

i cry at the thought of them hugging. i can picture it in my mind. i cry as i type all of this. i can blame this all on me being luteal, but it doesn't change a thing. I thank God for everything, even if i can't find the words to describe what's good and what's bad.

xx, caro